I met with a great group of women last week who were all just finishing up treatment like me. Margie Stoner, at Sibley runs some terrific support groups, and this one was really just what I needed (thanks Jennie for suggesting that I go!)
I hadn’t cried in a while and it’s amazing how the littlest things can trigger the emotions to come flooding back in. When I started describing some of the women who have found my blog and who have told me that sharing my story has helped them, tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn’t finish my thoughts. What I really wanted to say was that I am so appreciative to be able to connect with people on this deeper level. And it makes me happy to know that I have reached people and made a difference.
It seems that some of the women in the group had the same feeling I did, that this whole thing should mean something, that something amazing or profound or different should be happening in our lives post treatment. I don’t want to lose the perspective that I’ve gained and I want this experience to mean something.
I feel like I need deeper connections with people. I feel like I don’t want to waste time with pleasantries. Let’s talk about what makes us scared and what makes us happy. Let’s be ourselves without filters.
Since the filter is off, here is tonight’s stream of consciousness. I am pissed off that my left arm is getting really tight and that I am losing some feeling in my fingertips. I am pissed off that my arm and shoulder and chest that used to feel so strong and stable feels vulnerable. I really don’t want to have chronic problems. I heard the song “You’ve got a friend” tonight and it reminded my of my Aunt Deb who I miss so much. I know she would have given me the biggest hug after all of this and I wish I could get that hug right now. Writing this through lots of tears. Love you Deb and love you all.